Rachael Harrie has given the rules for her Second Challenge during her Fourth Campaigner blogfest. She gave five writing prompts and a variety of options of what we were allowed to do with them.
I decided to use prompts 1, 2, and 4 and write a pitch for a book on these. Then, instead of writing a flash fiction piece, I wrote the opening section of the book with the same word count restriction. Finally, I chose to write out of my genre and make this a Suspense/Thriller story. I invite any of the readers to leave a critique of the story or my writing style.
And without further ado, here it is:
Title: The Bridge Club
Pitch:
The adults of Riverside
Opening:
The two of us sat beneath what remained of the bridge. As we rested, backs against the rusted supports, our breathing slowed to something near normal. Blood still oozed from Rita’s leg. The quick patch job – if that’s what you could call a strip of cloth wrapped around her the wound couple of times – had slowed the bleeding. She needed a better level of medical attention than I could give her.
I peeled the wet hair away from my face and pushed it back into place. The sounds of angry men echoed along the banks of the river and reminded me that we needed to be moving away from here. Away from our bridge. Had it really been thirty years since all of us had come together for its unveiling and formed the Bridge Club? We played together on top of the bridge before they opened it to traffic and later gathered together in secret below it.
Except, our club wasn’t the only thing hidden under the bridge.
Let me post the first comment. This is not a genre I'm comfortable with. Please give me comment that will help me get better.
ReplyDeleteThanks
Oh, I like this, Randy. And I certainly want to know what else is hidden under that bridge.
ReplyDeleteThank you. If I figure out what's there I'll let you know. ; )
DeleteI'm not comfortable with mystery any more than what I wrote for my entry. But this is a great hook. All I can think of is to make sure we know the gender of the speaker right off. Knowing that helps readers identify with the MC faster. Pushing hair into place sounds like something a female would do, but some guys also do that.
ReplyDeleteDang. I meant to indicate that the protagonist is a guy, but somehow missed putting that in. Thanks for the suggestion. You are correct.
Deletesounds like a great thriller! excellent!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate the compliment.
DeleteNice introduction and pitch. I think that could make for a very interesting story line! At first I thought it was maybe the kids who were telling the story, and then the "30 years since" question came up. No idea why I instantly felt like it was kids.
ReplyDeleteShannon at The Warrior Muse, co-host of the 2012 #atozchallenge! Twitter: @AprilA2Z
Thank you for your comments. Probably knowing the pictures that were used as prompts is what got you thinking it was kids.
DeleteI'm sort of opposite to Shannon. I was going to say that the voice sounded too old for kids, then I saw that 30 years had passed :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is a fantastic premise. If I saw that blurb on the back of a book I'd definitely pick it up!
Wow. Thank you.
DeleteYeah, I'm my own worst critic. I hated it. My wife happened to be in the office when I posted it and I had her take a look. She liked it and isn't afraid to tell me if she doesn't.
This is great, Randy! I really like it - very well written and good use of the requirements. I especially love that the title - which made me think immediately of a card game bridge club - turns out to be something else entirely. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I did like the word play on the title. I appreciate your comments.
DeleteThis is really intriguing. I love your pitch...it really pulled me in. This is one of the best I've read. Great job! (#30)
ReplyDeleteI struggled with the pitch because I worked out of my normal genre; which meant I couldn't put in any flying saucers, escaped demons from the netherworld, or dinosaurs. So I really had to wrack my brain.
DeleteThanks for the compliments. :)
Like everyone else, I want to know what is under that bridge. Both your pitch and flash fiction were very good. This was a very hard challenge!
ReplyDeleteI guess you'll just have to wait for the book. Bwa-ha-ha. (Or just ask me in a week or so.)
DeleteI WOULD SO READ THAT. Good job!
ReplyDeleteReally? Then I must reconsider my original opinion that it was horrible. Coming from one of my mentors, that means a lot to me. Thanks.
DeleteYou've got a nice fluidity to your writing... and way to leave us on a hook! You've definitely got skills and I would for sure read on ;) "Liked" ;D
ReplyDeleteThank you. I feel that I have a good authorial voice and I do reasonably well at hooks. I appreciate the kind words supporting that.
DeleteI love the last line. Great work, Randy! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteWell done Randy. I really loved the pitch - I think you nailed it!
ReplyDeleteThanks. I sometimes stumble with pitches. I'm glad this one seems to have turned out alright.
DeleteGreat pitch, and I love the last line of the story opening. It'd work really well too as one of those previews some books have in front.
ReplyDelete#38
Thank you so much. I had considered my opening might work better as a cover blurb.
Delete"Our club wasn't the only thing hidden under the bridge."
ReplyDeleteOoh, pretty chilling! I like this idea :-)
Thank you. The picture of the children crouched together gave me the idea. What if they, while playing, discovered a terrible secret.
DeleteThis was such a great spin on the prompt! Great job! I really enjoyed this! Heading to vote! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. Going out of my genre really helped. The prompts lend themselves to sci-fi/holocaust type of story and I really had to stretch to come up with something different. I think it worked out better because I did.
DeleteIt definitely caught my attention and makes me want to learn more about the town's secret. Terrific job!
ReplyDeleteBTW, it's Susan from My Withershins. I often have to comment using this old account because sometimes Blogspot won't let me use Wordpress to comment. Thanks for commenting on mine. :)
No prob. And thanks for the comments. :)
DeleteGreat pitch! You hooked me there. And good suspense. Nice entry. ; )
ReplyDeleteMelissa Maygrove #14
Thank you. I appreciate the comments. Now if I can only get the pitch for my finished novel to hook as well as this one.
DeleteGreat pitch! I definately want to know more about what is hidden under the bridge!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked and thanks for saying so.
DeleteCongratulations. You have moved on to Stage 2 of the Challenge.
ReplyDeleteThat is AWESOME. Thank you.
Deletelol You're welcome.
DeleteNow that's an intriguing story. There's a history there that begs to be told. Nice one! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, David. I wish I could write mystery/thriller as well as I can come up with a pitch. Definately an area where I need some development.
DeleteMy apologies to everyone if I've been slow to respond. My family wass moving this weekend and I finally got a few hours sleep and setup my computer. Thank you all for stopping by and posting a comment.
ReplyDeleteHi Randy: You've been short listed to the semi-final round of judging. Congrats!
ReplyDeleteWow. That was quick (and really wonderful) for me, since I was sans computer all weekend. Awesome.
DeleteCongratulations! You have moved to the finals!
ReplyDeleteAwesome. That is exciting.
DeleteOoo, dark and creepy, I like.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I'm glad I achieved that effect.
DeleteWell done Randy - you've really got me wondering what else is under the bridge. Congratulations, I've awarded you eleventh place in the Judging Round! Make sure you check out my post to see the cool prize you've won :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats again!
Hugs,
Rach