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Monday, July 4, 2011

Patriotic Movie Makeovers

            Hollywood is in a funk.

            What is it about Tinsel Town that squeezes out the creative juices of thousands of writers, sifts it through producers, distills it through directors and then gives us Battleship: The Movie, Iron Man XII (eventually), and the Gilligan’s Island movie?  How long will it be before we’re reduced to watching movies based on commercials? Not that I’m saying Alka-Selzer: Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz won’t be a great Action – Comedy – Musical, I just think the film factory has gotten a little predictable in their choice of story retreads.

            Why bother? Instead, they can dig through the archives and give a new look to the best films created so far. Bands cover popular songs all the time. They can do the same thing here. It’s time for Hollywood to embrace the Movie Makeover.

            Take a classic. Keep the basic kernel of the story. Then go wild. This is no simple remake of a film. A makeover leaves you with an entirely new movie.

            Seeing as today is the Fourth of July, I decided to start this off with a patriotic bang. Here are my top three, “go U. S. A.”, red-white-and-true-blue Movie Makeovers.


Independence Day (ID4):      Historic – War - Adventure

July 4th is a day the world will never forget. It’s the day that Paul drove down US route 20 shouting, out of the window of his pickup, “The aliens are coming. The aliens are coming.”  Participate in the Salem Slurpee Party. Watch the battles of Wilson’s Dairy, Scrapbooking Heaven, and The Main Street 7-11 up close (but still safely in your seat). Cheer as patriots hand alien leaders the “Give me internet or give me death” ultimatum.  Grab a bag of popcorn and then sit back and enjoy the events of future-history.

* Sorry, due to the futuristic nature of this film tickets will be sold at 2053 prices.

            Mr. Smith Goes to Washington:       Musical – Historic - Mystery

Mr. Smith goes to Washington alright. When he arrives, he finds himself smack in the middle of the Watergate controversy. Facing the political giants of the time might intimidate your average freshman Senator, but Mr. Smith is not your average politician. He searches for the missing eighteen-and-a-half minutes of tape with a song on his lips and a tap in his toes. When the he finds the source of corruption, Mr. Smith launches into a soul-baring rendition of “You Are a Crook” that reawakens the moral sensibilities of Washington. See these historic events in a new, entertaining light and don’t be shocked if you learn something.

            Rocky IV:                                           Family – Sports - Comedy

Due to a clerical error, Rocky “the Squirrel” Balboa is signed up to battle the Russian boxing champion, Ivan Stompov. Promoters bill it as World War III in a ring. Rocky’s travel agent has booked it as a physical fitness vacation. Ali may have had his “Thrilla in Manlla” but that’s nothing compared to the “Muss in Moscow” that ensues when Rocky joins the boxing festivities and teaches his new Soviet playmates how to play nice.

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