The other
day, I happened to be listening to a young woman talk. She mentioned that her
friend was so tired of “flippin’ waiting.” I suppose it’s possible that the
friend was actually engaged in a series of gymnastic flips while she was waiting.
That image briefly passed through my mind with a couple of mental chuckles.
However,
it’s more likely a substitution for profanity. Someone more serious than myself
might turn this into a lecture about avoiding the appearance of evil and suggest
that all of us refrain from even these non-profane phrases of passion. Be that
as it may, there’s no flippin’ way that I’m going to pass up a chance to poke
fun at this crud.
How many of
you use the word Fetch? Or Flip? Or Snap? How about Frigging, H-E-Double Hockey
Sticks, or Holy Scrud? I’ll bet a large number of people who avoid the use of
profanity still will say Dang, Heck, and Good Grief. My apologies go out to
anyone who is offended by such language. (You should probably stop reading
this.)
The problem
is that these are obvious substitutions for the originals. And like the
originals, they don’t really make sense. For example, “are you flipping kidding
me?” would have to entail a person pulling a prank on the speaker by treating
them like a stack of flap-jacks. Sure, it’d be funny—if the person who’s been
flipped off didn’t break their neck in the process, but how realistic is it
that you’re going to spend your time on slap-stick gags with a minimal chance
for laughs.
What do you
use instead? Most of the phrases that accurately represented your question will
just make you sound like the straight-man in an old vaudeville routine. I don’t
think “are you hilariously kidding me” is
going to catch on. (Hmm . . . that might be a good line for a wacky character
in one of my books.) Unless, by “flipping kidding” you meant “are you earnestly
kidding me” and then the same argument applies. Neither of which deals with
using one -ing word to describe another. In that case, “are you side-splitting
kidding me” might be a good option.
Then we
have, Snap. “Oh, snap” sounds as if you’re ordering someone to join in an
impromptu jazz session. What exactly is it you’re trying to tell a person when
you say that? Now, fortunately, I do have a suggestion for this phrase. Here it
is . . . are you ready . . . I think you’ll like it . . . Exclamation! That’s
right, just shout out the word “exclamation” as loud as you can next time you
feel the need to express yourself. See if that doesn’t do the trick. And the
best part of it is that it makes sense. I mean really, you’re using the word as
a senseless exclamation to express emotion so why not clearly identify it as
such. You can even add modifiers to the statement. “Oh, frustrated
exclamation!” Or how about, “Exclamation of joy!”
Fetch! I’m
out of time. Sorry, I meant, “Exclamation of disappointment and dismay, I’m out
of time.” Try these new phrases and then let me know how well they work for
you.
Please, help me.
As I have
mentioned over the last couple of months, my purpose for the blog has changed
from a place to connect with my fellow authors (which I still want to do) to a
platform that will allow the general public a chance to glimpse at the insanity
that is my imagination. To that end, if you enjoyed this post—spread the word.
Follow my blog. Mention it to your friends. More importantly, like it on
Facebook and post a link to it on Twitter or any of the other social network
options. And in case you think I’m directing this message to someone else, I am going to single out Mark Lindsay and ask him to copy the link in the address bar and post it on his Facebook wall along with a comment about how he enjoyed it—or didn’t enjoy it. The rest of you can expect to be tagged for the same request in the near future.
